Tuesday, October 26, 2010

OPP

If you recall the hip hop song of the 90's by this same title, I'm truly sorry.  This post has nothing to do with the content of THAT song.  (And if you aren't familiar with that song, for heaven's sake don't Google it.  Trust me.)

THIS post has to do with other people's possessions, and how a person who is clutter-free (or getting there!) should respond to them.

Let's say your spouse has been displaying his pack rat tendencies since you met him in college.  What you thought was simple bachelor-like mess (dirty clothes thrown around his apartment, eight weeks' worth of mail burying his kitchen table (i.e. a card table with a wobbly leg borrowed from his parent's garage), textbooks piled randomly next to the stereo, greasy bike parts on the bathroom counter), has become full-blown chronic clutter. 

What do you do to help him mend his cluttering ways?  How can you change this cluttering behavior that has become so ingrained in him?  


Answer:  You can't.


The only person whose behavior your have ultimate control over is your own.


And that is where to focus, in order to foster a change in your home environment.


"What?!" you're asking me, annoyed beyond belief.  "Why do I have to look at my stuff and my propensity to clutter?  Mr. Pack Rat here is the one with the problem!"


He is.  And maybe you are too.


If you're reading this, it's likely you are either 


a.  a clutterer, or
b.  a professional home organizer looking for help for your clients.


The focus of your attention should not lie on your husband's mess, but on your own.  Oftentimes--but not always--when one spouse dejunks, it encourages the other to throw stuff out too.


Now, this is not to say that if you are absolutely completely clutter-free that all the people around you will be the same (I'm living this as we speak, with two very messy kids at home).  But too often we focus on changing other people to try to align their actions/behaviors to what WE think is best for them, or how WE want them to behave so that WE can get and stay happy.  This is a mostly a control issue.


Look, you can either change yourself, accept the situation, have a heart to heart with your husband (wife, son, daughter, roommate, tenant, etc.), or (in cases of extreme hoarding behavior) stage an intervention or leave the relationship.


Those are your options.  


Entire books have been written on how to handle other people's possessions, and a few of them are helpful in order to understand the pack rat's behavior. 


But some people just like keeping junk.  THEY JUST DO.  You can burn yourself out trying to change them, or you can do what I suggested:


1.  clear up your own clutter
2.  accept the junk and love them as they are
3.  communicate your concern to the pack rat and hope s/he changes
4.  terminate the relationship (do not attempt this with your kids!)
5.  contact a psychologist trained in compulsive hoarding or anxiety disorders and arrange an intervention (in serious cases only).


 Life is too short to argue over dirty laundry and yesterday's mail.  Really.  


Best wishes on getting your own junk cleaned up.  Be prepared for the miracles that follow.